Who am I, That You Love Me?
// April 13th, 2008 // I just started writing and..., Prayer, Reflection, Strongholds
Not really sure what I’m writing about. I just feel like I should be writing my thoughts instead of thinking them, which allows me to peruse them afterward and truly understand what’s going on in the mess of spaghetti that my brain can be at times.
I’ve been up and down of late, on several fronts. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I know the good is trying to prevail, and it will.
Friends are weird. I feel like I’m just dropping the old (old? how can anyone I hang out with be an old friend? I just moved here in September and I haven’t know anyone in this area for more than two years, not to mention that, aside from Brian, I haven’t really been close with anyone here for anything close to that amount of time) friends I have around me and picking up new ones. I feel like I’m not fighting for them when they try to let me go. I feel like I’m not fighting for them when they fall, when they stumble, or when they’re simply in need of my arm reaching out when they’re refusing to reach out their own. I feel like I have a friend or two that’s rejecting me based on lies, but I don’t know how to get through to that. I don’t know how to cut through the muck and tell him I love him and that I want the best things in the world for him, but at the same time I know what he seems to be reaching for isn’t good for him. I don’t know how to confront that, and it’s eating me up.
At the same time, I’m making all these new friends and doing these new outreaches and undertakings. I feel like I’m growing so much with God, but it often feels like some of my friends aren’t. It pains me to see them passing on opportunities to expand their relationship with Christ, but what pains me more is how wrongly I’ve been approaching that. I’ve been listening to lies of the devil about superiority. He’s a clever enemy; he really is. He’s taking the growth that I’ve experienced and the freedoms I’ve gained and turning them into a sense of superiority; like I’m better than my friends because they’re not learning what I’m learning; they’re not doing what I’m doing.
That’s a lie from the devil and I rebuke it. I cannot and I will not allow that stronghold to stay inside of me. I need to want my friends to grow like I am and more, but I cannot for a moment think to judge them, pridefully scorn them, or think myself in any way superior to them. Who am I that God has saved me? Who am I that my God loves me? I am nobody, and I do not deserve what He has given me. Therefore I will not allow this pride to build within me. I cast it off, disallowing it in my life. It has no place here. God, forgive my transgressions. Forgive the bitterness and the lies that I’ve been living. Please forgive me for the pride and the judgment I’ve been harboring, for I need none of that if I am to truly draw near to you. You have freed me of so much, and I declare now in your mighty name that I will be humbled. I come before you weeping, knowing I am nothing without your grace and your love. Your word says that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and right now I ask for the strength to bow down before you. I ask for the strength to stand again, running free with you. I ask for the strength to lead and to follow. I ask for the strength to shoulder another’s burdens, as you have commanded. I ask for the strength to desire humility, earnestly. I ask for the strength to bare my weakness, for in you I am made stronger. God, you are so good. You are the provider I seek. You are the redeemer and the forgiver. Without you, I am but nothing, and I worship you tonight.
I’m gonna go turn on some music and sing until I fall asleep. Tomorrow will be a better day.