Happy Reassessment Day!
// January 14th, 2011 // 2 Comments » // I just started writing and..., Life, Reflection, Strongholds
I’ve been going through this constant, drawn out period of introspection. It seems to happen every winter, but it was especially poignant this year. I had an entire day where I felt completely alone; like God had abandoned me and like I was strongly doubting His existence. I grew bitter towards myself for “wasting” my time and for being such a phony leader. (As an aside, I have to give my friend Richie kudos for the wisest thing I’ve ever heard anyone his age say. He was leading our devotions one day in Mexico and going through the concept of wasted time. He concluded that time cannot be wasted, since God is sovereign and in control of time and all of our surroundings. He essentially said that when we start thinking of time as wasted, we are doubting God’s sovereignty and doubting His will for our lives.)
This all stems from my old life of atheism. I always considered organized religion to have a good side to it, rather than how most atheists view it as wholly evil. I knew that religion could often inspire goodness in people. Throughout my day of flashing back into that mentality, I viewed myself as a false prophet and false teacher, leading lambs to their own slaughter. I can’t quite put it into words, because it honestly doesn’t make sense outside of that mindset. It’s a package of lies from Satan. The first one starts with a grain of twisted truth. The next one strays further from the truth, and eventually you start doubting your own faith and start doubting your convictions and start doubting that you are loved by anyone or even capable of love. For me, I start remembering a vision I had years ago in Sun River, Oregon at our youth camp. I was leading people in a dark place. They were all trusting me in every direction I gave. Eventually, I led them off a cliff as I stood by watching each one fall into nothingness. I came back to reality terrified. I’ve never forgotten that day, and it haunts me every time I start questioning the calling on my life.
In other depressing leadership developments, my Bulgaria missions team is falling apart in front of my eyes. A few weeks ago, one of the girls let me know she wasn’t coming back to school and couldn’t be on the team. Last week, we found out that we had been planning for the wrong dates. Instead of June 24-July, the trip is going to be May 24-June 3. Today, because of the date changes, my assistant team leader and the last remaining girl had to drop off the team. That leaves only myself and my roommate. The two of us would gladly go by ourselves, but we’re not yet sure if the missionary wants a two-person team or if our school would approve the trip with only two of us.
Getting back to the whole spiritual battle, my feelings of solitary confinement (I use the prison themed rhetoric to convey the feelings of imprisonment and oppression) are so complete that I feel like the enemy has an entire battalion after me. I’m being bombarded and battered on multiple fronts every single day. I’m missing out on the types of affirmation I know I need. Physical touch has always been important to me, but it goes beyond just that. I know that what I’m truly missing isn’t the types of intimacy and contact my flesh tells me I’m missing (the desire for romantic contact has been welling up, but I both know the timing isn’t right and know that who is interested in me isn’t the person I’m supposed to be with, so I’ll be continuing to avoid that). I’m missing meaningful mentoring and discipleship. I don’t have anyone here yet who truly desires to see me grow and to make it happen. Correction: I haven’t allowed anyone to become that person. I have potential mentors and potential close peers all around me, but I’ve been too guarded and too jaded to let any relationship develop into that.
Last week, after going through the day of doubt, I had to attend some meetings for campus leaders. I thought most of them unnecessary, and several other people agreed with me. Unfortunately, this feeling turned into a full scale rebellion on my part, including just not showing up for the second half of the day. I was angry, doubting my purpose, and tired of people trying to encourage me out of my mood. I was even avoiding the intimate service planned for that evening, until I got a text from a good friend essentially telling me to man up. (The last thing a self-pitying person wants is to be preached at) He simply told me to come to the service. He didn’t sugarcoat it, make it sound nice, or fluff it to meaninglessness. He simply said “Come on, we have service. Get here.” I left my conversation and went. Throughout worship, God was dealing with my hopelessness and my self doubt. Then our leader, instead of starting to preach, opened up the microphone for confession, prayer requests, and true transparency. Essentially, he could have just said “Willem, come get everything off your chest so we can pray with you and show you we love you and we’re in this battle with you.” That time was incredible. I was encouraged, emboldened, and liberated.
Now, I’m just trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. A bit. I’m considering switching over to become an English major. This would not necessarily change my career aspirations, as God has called me into student development and missions, primarily in Muslim areas of the world (along with church planting, the Engage program, and what I’m sure will be multiple years pastoring in the US). My interest in an English major stems primarily from my love for the language (and all languages, really…even French). Many times, I have been told that I should consider majoring in English, for multiple reasons. The switch would also allow me access into many situations as a teacher of English as a second language, which would make accessing “closed” countries significantly more possible and make residency in many other countries more likely attainable.
Along with the long-term vision, I’m trying to figure out exactly what that means for today and what God’s vision for my present is. If I’m going to live the crazy life I just described, I’m going to need quite a special partner for that. What that means is that I’d sure better prepare myself to be deserving of someone like that…one of God’s most beloved daughters. That means redefining purity, healthy relationships, and manhood. Along with preparation for the future, I have opportunities to model all of these changes; this progressive sanctification. I’m finding more and more chances to pour into other guys here on campus, to challenge them to live intentionally.
Oh yeah, and I’m involved at church now. I serve coffee on Sundays, help strategize and plan for the young adults group, and am transitioning onto the leadership team for the youth group, which is exploding. Our church is going to three services this month because the place is absolutely PACKED each week. Our pastor is asking us, the college students, to staff the third service. I, of course, am finding roles to fill. So much to do…
Anyone have advice? Thoughts? Questions? Hit me in the comments.