The Willem

Howdy Y’all

// August 29th, 2010 // No Comments » // Life, Reflection

Yep, I’m in Texas now. I spent the last month hopping back and forth on different sides of Washington state, seeing friends and family, trying to get as many odd jobs as I could find, and enjoying the beauty and majesty of God’s second most glorious creation: Washington. It truly is one of the most beautiful places I will ever be, and I’m thankful to have grown up there.

My biggest struggles while in Washington were that I feel like I don’t have a home anymore (Yakima isn’t home, which I discovered my first week back, and Seattle isn’t home, which I’ve always known) and feeling useless. I’m so used to having predefined purpose for every day, and all too frequently I place purpose only on my interactions with other people. I often forget that time spent alone can be purposeful. When I got to Mexico, I knew that and cherished my alone time, both the time spent seeking God and the time spent simply being. Somewhere along the way, I kind of lost that. It became incredibly apparent while back in Washington.

Those of you who know my history with vehicles will be not at all surprised to learn that the jeep I was given back (yep, the one that was stolen twice) caught on fire while I was driving to ultimate frisbee one Monday night. I put out the fire, but somehow managed to lose the key while doing so. This is my life, and I love it. It’s now sitting at my buddy’s house, who still technically owns it. He’ll figure out if it’s salvageable and sellable or if we’re going to have to let it go for 350-500 to someone who wants to put in the time. I took the stance that it’s still a gift from God to have anything coming in for income for a car (all the money I make from the jeep will be put towards buying a car in Texas so I can get to and from work), so I was going to be happy and content with whatever form that gift comes in.

I had a couple of farewell dinners in Washington. If you couldn’t make it, thanks anyway and I wish you the best. Those of you who did: thank you for coming. It meant so much to have those final moments spent with great people and great conversations and food.

Getting here to Texas has been quite the encounter so far. I think I have more culture shock (or culture stress, as Joel Watson explains it more accurately) coming here than I did arriving in Mexico. Last night it was proposed that I expected everyone to be just like me, since we’re all Americans. I, however, believe that I was simply used to Mexicans from living in Yakima, so being in their country wasn’t drastically different; whereas the only Texans I’ve ever been around have either been distant from me or living in the same house with me in Mexico, so they had some other influences going. It’s probably a mix of both. Either way, yesterday was something I wasn’t quite prepared for.

I had a moment yesterday evening in my dorm room that sums up everything I need to fight. I have this room with two roommates; it’s a cold, lifeless room and it already smells like football (I’m living with two football players). I’d been talking with them on Facebook for the last few months: getting to know one another and looking forward to living together. However, they messaged me on Friday asking if I would agree to switch rooms with another football player so they could all live together. I hadn’t even gotten there and I was being alienated. Combine that with knowing only Katlyn and Megan here, then take them away because they were taking sorely-needed naps, and add in the heartless room with my sparse decorations (aka my clothes and my computer…that’s all I have) and you had one lonely guy. I started feeling trapped, panicky, desperate for human interaction and yet not willing to initiate that interaction (that’s a whole different blog for a whole different day).

I really started feeling very anxious and scared, thinking maybe I made the wrong decision and I shouldn’t be here and that I would never belong here. I had to stop, collect myself, put on some music, and lay down for a moment to pray. I spent about 15 minutes going over how I got here, praying intermittently like it was just a conversation with God, and by the end I realized that I was being attacked, which means I’m exactly where I need to be.

I’m exactly where I need to be. I suppose that means that for now, I’m home.

Mini-Updates

// June 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // I just started writing and..., Life

(Insert apology for lack of posts here)

The woman I wrote about a couple posts back just had her seventh child, who came about a month premature but seems to be doing alright.

Our college ministries have ended (as their schoolyear has ended) and went very well, as I was involved on the CUAAD campus and we saw growth in breadth and depth of relationships.

My school year has ended on a good note. I got a 3.75 gpa for this semester, but that may later change to a 4.0.

I have direction: I’m going to be in Texas next year on the SAGU campus getting my degree in Theological Studies with minors in Spanish and Missions. God has blessed me with vision to someday open up my own Engage location. I’m not sure how far off that is, but my goal is to be back on the mission field long-term by the time I’m 30. What comes in between, I do not know…and that’s okay.

Since the last writing, I have had three major firsts. My first time leading worship was Easter Sunday, my first time telling the bible story for our children’s ministry (in spanish, of course) was this past Saturday, and my first time preaching at a service was last night. All of those went better than I could have expected, although I learned things to improve on from each one (which is exactly what I wanted).

Finances are horrible. I’m about $6,000 behind where I should be for my year here, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for school next year (I’m already taking out full loans, but without a car in Texas I am very limited in what jobs I can apply for, so I’m hoping to find some work while I’m home for August, be it house-sitting, digging ditches, filing paperwork, whatever it takes to be able to buy a car so I can work my way through school at a good job), and I’m having great difficulty finding scholarships for someone like myself.

My spanish is tremendously improved. I can hold pretty solid conversations with most people and I feel capable of doing most spanish work…last week I translated a message successfully in front of over 600 people.

I fought bulls.

I went paintballing (sorry Adrian).

A while back, I posted about continuing to pray for the campus we took spanish classes at, and to have an impact there. We have. We just sent home a very good friend we made there through soccer and classes. He committed his life to Christ while he was here, and he basically lived with us for the last month. We’re seeing other impacts we’ve made as well. It’s exciting.

Stay tuned for more updates throughout the next few months. I expect to be able to post something substantial every couple weeks, and I’ll try to toss in a few photos and anecdotes. Thanks for reading, caring, praying, and giving. Be blessed.

I’m Surrounded by Nobody

// March 5th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Life, Prayer, Reflection

I’ve tried to sit down and write several times since my last post. Shoot, I even titled one attempt “Inspirational Vacancy,” which I just discovered the draft for. Ironically, it was a blank page. I almost posted it just for giggles. Anyway, here’s the obligatory “I’m sorry it’s been forever since I posted” announcement that seems to come at the beginning of every post I write (thanks Megan Timmerman for pointing out the consistency).

I think the lack of writing stems from what’s been going on in my life lately (more poignantly: what hasn’t been going on). I went through about a month of spiritual dryness that left me without inspiration, without passion, and without direction. I had nothing flowing through me, and it mostly stemmed from the fact that God had been trying to tell me something for about a month before that, repeatedly, and I’d been calling His voice that of the enemy, blocking it out and actively praying against it (trust me, the irony is not lost on me). Eventually, I guess God decided that since I wasn’t listening (and therefore, I wasn’t obeying), He would cease speaking to and through me. My prayer life was dead. My Bible reading diminished. My relationships around the house were all stressed. My health suffered. Eventually, I got a ton of people to start praying over me and something amazing happened. The thing God had been telling me to do was the first thing I heard in my head. I broke down, sobbing, recognized it as the voice of God, and immediately repented and obeyed. That was the easy part.

That obedience brought about a huge change in my personal life and lead to an outpouring of all that I’d been missing spiritually, which lead to a completely different outlook on our ministries, my time in Mexico, and all the people in my life (two thirds of that is still going strong). That obedience further led to more commands and understanding of things I was doing wrong, which led to more obedience and more outpouring. Now that I’ve confused anyone reading this, I can honestly say that my heart hurts. The problem with obeying, learning, worshiping, etc. for me is that I want everyone else to experience what I’m experiencing, and I try to do the Holy Spirit’s work for Him instead of being faithful and trusting.

Now, I look back on the past few days of judging and being frustrated, and I wonder why I wonder why I feel alienated and alone. How could I not expect that to happen? Today, I spent most of the day fuming over relationships in the house and pitying myself, only to go off to worship practice at my Mexican church (by the way, I joined the worship team, only I’m currently not really doing anything except running the sound board for practice) and sit at the sound board in the back, not talking to anyone for three and a half hours except occasionally being yelled at to change something (which I mostly didn’t understand anyway). Occasionally, I heard people asking the worship leader what my name was so they could yell at me too. How could I expect to feel fellowship when i sit around complaining and grumbling, then go someplace where I’m further isolated by the language barrier and don’t attempt to talk to anyone?

I currently have no direction. I’ve been sticking to my guns about being called to be a college pastor and then a senior pastor, but I’m realizing more and more that those are just things I felt would fit very well. The only true callings I’ve ever genuinely heard or felt were to go do missions in Holland and that being second in command in a church is in my future. I have no idea what I’m doing right now, but I feel more and more like God has something in store for me that I’m not expecting. Normally, that excites me. Right now, it drives me crazy.

I’m also feeling useless right now. Most of my strengths lie in discipleship, counseling, speaking, and singing. Guess what four things I don’t get to do here? You’d expect some of that from the language barrier, but I feel it in the house more and more. For the most part, people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I see it in meetings, in daily life, in ministries, everywhere. When I pipe up, someone else either talks over me or people just roll their eyes. Usually, I have one person who consistently listens to me, but the ratio is just overwhelming. (Note: this is about students. I feel like most of the time our leaders do a very good job of listening to everyone).

I suppose that’s enough complaining for one night.

On the bright side, our ministries are flourishing, my prayer life is improved beyond belief, and my passion for the people of Mexico is greater than it has ever been. I want so badly to see people all across the world accept the hope and promise that comes with a relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to be a part of that, and that’s something I’ve never really had this same passion for. I guess I’m finally understanding the way God feels on this level.

If anyone reading this could pray for direction, wisdom, and peace in my life, I would greatly appreciate it. If you could pray for unity in our house and for Jesus to be shown through our actions, words, and our hearts, I think I’d appreciate that even more. Finances are also extremely low for me, but that’s normal at this point.