The Willem

I’m Surrounded by Nobody

// March 5th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Life, Prayer, Reflection

I’ve tried to sit down and write several times since my last post. Shoot, I even titled one attempt “Inspirational Vacancy,” which I just discovered the draft for. Ironically, it was a blank page. I almost posted it just for giggles. Anyway, here’s the obligatory “I’m sorry it’s been forever since I posted” announcement that seems to come at the beginning of every post I write (thanks Megan Timmerman for pointing out the consistency).

I think the lack of writing stems from what’s been going on in my life lately (more poignantly: what hasn’t been going on). I went through about a month of spiritual dryness that left me without inspiration, without passion, and without direction. I had nothing flowing through me, and it mostly stemmed from the fact that God had been trying to tell me something for about a month before that, repeatedly, and I’d been calling His voice that of the enemy, blocking it out and actively praying against it (trust me, the irony is not lost on me). Eventually, I guess God decided that since I wasn’t listening (and therefore, I wasn’t obeying), He would cease speaking to and through me. My prayer life was dead. My Bible reading diminished. My relationships around the house were all stressed. My health suffered. Eventually, I got a ton of people to start praying over me and something amazing happened. The thing God had been telling me to do was the first thing I heard in my head. I broke down, sobbing, recognized it as the voice of God, and immediately repented and obeyed. That was the easy part.

That obedience brought about a huge change in my personal life and lead to an outpouring of all that I’d been missing spiritually, which lead to a completely different outlook on our ministries, my time in Mexico, and all the people in my life (two thirds of that is still going strong). That obedience further led to more commands and understanding of things I was doing wrong, which led to more obedience and more outpouring. Now that I’ve confused anyone reading this, I can honestly say that my heart hurts. The problem with obeying, learning, worshiping, etc. for me is that I want everyone else to experience what I’m experiencing, and I try to do the Holy Spirit’s work for Him instead of being faithful and trusting.

Now, I look back on the past few days of judging and being frustrated, and I wonder why I wonder why I feel alienated and alone. How could I not expect that to happen? Today, I spent most of the day fuming over relationships in the house and pitying myself, only to go off to worship practice at my Mexican church (by the way, I joined the worship team, only I’m currently not really doing anything except running the sound board for practice) and sit at the sound board in the back, not talking to anyone for three and a half hours except occasionally being yelled at to change something (which I mostly didn’t understand anyway). Occasionally, I heard people asking the worship leader what my name was so they could yell at me too. How could I expect to feel fellowship when i sit around complaining and grumbling, then go someplace where I’m further isolated by the language barrier and don’t attempt to talk to anyone?

I currently have no direction. I’ve been sticking to my guns about being called to be a college pastor and then a senior pastor, but I’m realizing more and more that those are just things I felt would fit very well. The only true callings I’ve ever genuinely heard or felt were to go do missions in Holland and that being second in command in a church is in my future. I have no idea what I’m doing right now, but I feel more and more like God has something in store for me that I’m not expecting. Normally, that excites me. Right now, it drives me crazy.

I’m also feeling useless right now. Most of my strengths lie in discipleship, counseling, speaking, and singing. Guess what four things I don’t get to do here? You’d expect some of that from the language barrier, but I feel it in the house more and more. For the most part, people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I see it in meetings, in daily life, in ministries, everywhere. When I pipe up, someone else either talks over me or people just roll their eyes. Usually, I have one person who consistently listens to me, but the ratio is just overwhelming. (Note: this is about students. I feel like most of the time our leaders do a very good job of listening to everyone).

I suppose that’s enough complaining for one night.

On the bright side, our ministries are flourishing, my prayer life is improved beyond belief, and my passion for the people of Mexico is greater than it has ever been. I want so badly to see people all across the world accept the hope and promise that comes with a relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to be a part of that, and that’s something I’ve never really had this same passion for. I guess I’m finally understanding the way God feels on this level.

If anyone reading this could pray for direction, wisdom, and peace in my life, I would greatly appreciate it. If you could pray for unity in our house and for Jesus to be shown through our actions, words, and our hearts, I think I’d appreciate that even more. Finances are also extremely low for me, but that’s normal at this point.

Like a Dog Returns to His Vomit

// February 2nd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Prayer, Reflection, Strongholds

Two times, this phrase is penned in Scripture.

“Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly”(Proverbs 26:11 ESV) is the first. The Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary comments: “11. returneth . folly-Though disgusting to others, the fool delights in his folly.”

“What the true proverb says has happened to them: ‘The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.’”(2 Peter 2:22 ESV) is the second.

I couldn’t help but think of these references today as I returned from a visit to El Colli. Our favorite (I know, I know, we shouldn’t have favorites) family from the neighborhood is a mom (who babysits Seth during the week) and her six daughters, and she had just moved back into the neighborhood. You’d expect us to be excited to have her back, right? Wrong. She should have stayed three hours away in Aguascalientes with her parents, where we helped move her several months ago. This woman has run away from her drunk, abusive, deadbeat husband more times than she can actually remember, and she keeps crawling back. Why? Why does she do it?

“My daughters miss their dad” was the excuse she gave this time, as the two oldest girls rolled their eyes and shook their heads behind her back. The oldest is now 17, with a baby boy of her own and a deadbeat runaway boyfriend to match. The second oldest is 13 and has recently started to recognize and vocalize the ridiculous decisions her mother is making, but without any guidance is doing so destructively and disrespectfully. I glanced around the sparsely decorated one-room shack, smelling the dust mixed with the odor of an overfull outhouse, feeling the pocked and pitched, broken concrete beneath my feet, leaning upon the bunkbed which slept six girls and a baby boy, soaking in the chill of the open doorways and the symphony of torrential rain on the aluminum roof. My eyes wandered back to “Mom.” She was currently explaining how her husband was “actually changing this time.” How she “could hear it in his voice.” She rambled on about how “even though he’s said all of these things before,” she “knew he wouldn’t hit [her] anymore…certainly not in front of the girls.”

We had helped this sow remove herself from the mire (I don’t mean to call her a pig; I love this woman and think she has a heart of gold, but that’s the biblical example I’ve got to work with so I’ll use it.) and wash herself clean, giving her a new start in a new city free of her old problems. True to form, she then promptly returned to wallow, taking her litter with her. We feel so powerless to help her, because she won’t help herself. The true pain, though, lies with the girls. What are those girls learning about strength, about love, about role models, about respect? What will the impact be on their future relationships with guys?

There is so much work to be done here, and so much we are powerless to do. I am so thankful that we can rely on Christ Jesus to transform hearts, minds, and lives; to redeem the enslaved, to heal the broken, and to encourage and strengthen the weak. I’m praying for this family and this neighborhood, and I would be honored if you would join me in that prayer.

AAAAAAAAaaaaannnnnd……..Tears

// November 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // I just started writing and..., Perspectives, Prayer

I expected to cry today. I really did. I just thought it would be for different reasons. And I thought it would be once and then I’d be done. I was wrong. Very wrong.

It’s Thanksgiving Day, I’m thousands of miles away from my family or anyone I’ve ever considered family, and I couldn’t follow the traditions that I’ve had since the first Thanksgiving I remember. Football? No watching. No playing. Zilch. I’m good with that. I can deal with that. Apparently, they ended up being pretty lousy games to watch anyway. Solid. Datenut bread? Can’t make it here. Don’t have the stuff. (This is a recipe handed down for generations in my mom’s family that she taught me how to make. She made it every Thanksgiving and Christmas until she died, then I took over each year). Switching into pajamas after dinner? Nope. Shoot, half our people didn’t even want a pause between the two (I continue to be appalled by that idea) and I had to set up for a few other things.

If I’m listing off all this sad stuff that didn’t make me cry, you’d figure I only cried for happy things, right? Well, you’d be wrong. Don’t get me wrong; this day brings to mind so many blessings, both seen and unseen, that I’m brought to tears with overwhelming gratitude for the Jehova Jireh. The Almighty Father truly blesses me every single day, starting with the fact that I, an unworthy sinner, have been plucked from the clutches of death and made righteous in His sight, purified by the propitiation of Christ on the cross. The sacrifice of the Spotless Lamb truly does bring unbridled joy to my heart. However, what broke me today…over and over…over and over again, was another blessing. A blessing broke me? Yes. Let me explain.

Today, God blessed me with ears to hear and eyes to see. Today, God revealed the brokenness of my generation. He revealed the pain it causes Him each time a misguided soul, Christian or not, Catholic or Protestant, young or old, male or female, takes Him and His grace for granted. He revealed how much it pains Him to see each of us turns our back on Him whenever we decide that we can sin and make it up later. He revealed how much it breaks His heart when we are free to roam, free to blaspheme, free to indulge simply because “He’ll forgive me later.”

I’m not sure where Christ laid that out as the way to live. Wait, yes I am. Nowhere. That’s not the Biblical life-model. You know why? Because it stinks. You know why Christ modeled a life and Paul and the other Apostles carefully-sculpted the image of a life lived rightly? Because it brings righteousness. Not self-righteousness. Righteousness.

Do we even know what that is anymore? Honestly, most people don’t even try to figure out what it is. They just figure they’re covered because they mumbled some prayer after some guy who yelled at them about some other guy who did stuff so they’d be cool with some other guy who has a lot of weird names.

Salvation is worked out. Work it out. Work by the sweat of our brow is Biblically-prescribed

How does this strike you?
17To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.
18It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
19By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”    Genesis 3:17-19

Yeah, sounds fun, huh? As soon as Satan entered our lives, so did hard work. Work existed before we had sin (Gen. 2 speaks of working in the Garden of Eden), but God makes a clear difference between the work we originally did in the Garden and the work we are now ascribed today. Because we allowed hurdles into our lives (Seriously Adam, you had to go and fail at being a real man? Thanks dude. Thanks a lot.), we now have the added burden of hard work.  According to Philippians 2:12 (So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling;) we get to work out our salvation as well. What does that mean? As I read it, I’m pointed back to my original point: salvation is not an event. Rather, it is a process.

This process entails much. Constant failures, learning, stretching, denying one’s flesh (rather, slaying one’s flesh and replacing those desires with the Holy Spirit’s guidance and the will of God), and yes, repentance. What does repentance mean, though? Does it mean remorse? That’s not the Biblical model, so no. Does it mean empty words said to anyone who will listen (perhaps someone who is not an appropriate confidante for such sensitive information)? No, we know that’s not it either. Let’s take a peek at what our actual authority has to say about repentance.

2 Corinthians 7:10- Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

Pretty clear, right? This shows repentance is an understand of having done wrong, but in a Godly manner. Let’s keep going, on to one of my favorite books in the whole Bible.

Hebrews 6:4- For it is impossible to keep on restoring to repentance time and again people who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have become partners with the Holy Spirit

Okay, that’s pretty heavy stuff, right? Repeated restoration to repentance is impossible for those who have received the Holy Spirit? If someone corrected you with this scripture without referencing it, what’s the likelihood you would even believe that it’s sound logic? I would ask if you would be likely to even think that it’s Biblical, but I don’t want to imply that anyone reading this might, you know, not accept Biblical correction from others. Okay, back to the point. The vast majority of us would usually read this, try to swallow the rapidly-drying and rapidly-growing lump suddenly stuck in their throat, and say “okay, but how does that make sense? Why?” Let’s find out.

Hebrews 6:5-6 – ⁵and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, ⁶and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.

Now hold on just a gosh darn moment! Are you saying that God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that we would question His why and how, and then decided to (pause for a moment here, it’s a big deal) answer us in the very next verse? Who knew? Who knew we served a God who answers our questions and makes clear His desires and His commands? Did you know this? Why didn’t I know this? How many of you knew this and didn’t tell me? (Okay, so that last one is a whole separate post and probably will be the subject of many a sermon in my lifetime, so I’ll leave it alone for the moment.) Back to the passage. “And the powers of the age to come” is an entirely different doctrinal issue, so I’ll let it alone for the moment. The real meat I’m getting at here is the bit about repeated repentance being equal to repeatedly crucifying the Son of God, as well as “holding him up to contempt.”

Let’s take a peek at the word “contempt.” Dictionary.com describes it thus: “the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn.” I’d like to settle on the word “worthless.” The Bible, in Hebrews 6 just said that when we repeatedly subject ourselves to sin, falling away from God, then respond to repentance over and over, that we are treating Christ as worthless. That just doesn’t sound good. I think I’ll try to pass. Oh wait, I don’t have to. It’s impossible.

This would probably be a good time to extend an olive branch called grace. If not to extend it, I’ll at least attempt to explain God’s view on grace. This passage (and the great majority of this post) concerns intentional, habitual, repetitive sin. (The kind of sin where you usually don’t notice it because you’ve grown numb to even remembering that it is a sin. The other option, and the one that makes more sense for this passage, is that they are the sins that afterward we recognize, and maybe even feel sorry for, but that we do nothing to reconcile. When we apologize to God, that does nothing, as the true definition of repentance is not found in remorse. More on that later.) It does not necessarily address incidental, non-habitual sins. (The kind of sins where afterward the reaction is “God, I hate that. Don’t let me do that again. Please forgive me Lord. That’s not my heart and I don’t ever want to do that. Ever.” You know, the sins that aren’t regularly in your life, so you recognize them and actually, well, repent.) God’s grace, accomplished through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ, covers this last type of sin, because we actually attempt to stay covered under this grace when we repent.

Imagine Jesus is walking next to you. It’s pouring down rain. Jesus has this super-awesome umbrella. When we’re walking with Him, we’re dry. No sweat (pun intended). No worries, right? Super. What happens if we take a rabbit trail? What happens if we suddenly start chasing after someone else or hanging out and walking with them? We become soaking, sopping, miserably wet, of course. To that end, we are living in sin. Absolutely covered in it. Repeated offenses will lead to consistent cold, clammy, angry wetness, which eventually leads to a miserable life, and probably to sickness. Here’s where repentance comes in. Repentance is a reversal of course. Does that mean instant dryness and a peachy-keen life? Of course not. Why not? Because while Jesus kept heading towards the Father because He is always focused on the goal, which is Heaven of course, (yes, He is always chasing after us, so the analogy breaks down) we were headed in the opposite direction. We have to include the economic law of loss here. Every block we were heading in the opposite direction of Jesus, we were actually moving two blocks away from him. Of course, the Lord works differently in each person’s life, but the principle applies. If we’re heading away from Christ for, say, three blocks, we are in effect six blocks away from Him when we have our moment of repentance. Let’s assume that it’s genuine repentance, so we turn and run to him. He’s still moving, so we’ll say we’re moving at twice the pace. We start six blocks away. He moves one block, we move two. Five blocks away. He moves one, we move two. Four blocks away. You get the point. Six blocks’ time for him, and twelve for us. Don’t forget the three other blocks away we were. We spent 15 blocks away from Him for three blocks’ worth of following the other trail. Now we’re back under the umbrella and nice and safe and cozy and dry, right?

Wrong. Here’s the hardest part of repentance. It takes time to dry off after you get under that umbrella. It takes time to heal. (We know that God does miracles today. I have seen it. I have experienced it. He delights in deliverance. However, more often God works through victory and processes of obedience.) Don’t forget all the distractions trying to draw you back into the tempest at every corner, every store window, and all the stumbling blocks trying to trip you up along the way. Just because you repent and run back to Christ doesn’t mean the enemy won’t try to mess with you. Getting dry is one incredible challenge. Staying dry is an entirely different animal.

Speaking of rabbit trails, I seem to have gotten myself lost on one here. I started writing this about the tears I shed today for my generation and ended up preaching for 2000+ words. Shweet.

What I intended to write about all sparked from a conversation this morning after I was asked for my opinion on tattoos. I’d gotten halfway through the sentence where I usually set up my opinion about there being a difference between pre-marriage and post-marriage tattoos when I was cut off and informed that “It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be someone else’s body someday. God will give you someone who will like it or someone who will forgive you for it. We all have pasts, you know?” I was appalled. I was completely at a loss for how someone could disrespect their future spouse in such a way. I still haven’t said anything. Not for fear, but because I know this person well enough at this point to realize that it is something God will teach in His perfect timing, because this person is growing in relationship with God and constantly pushing closer and closer. Soon enough, God will bless this person with the wisdom and prudence necessary to understand the statement uttered.

We all have pasts, yes. God forgives them when we humble ourselves and take refuge under his umbrella of grace. However, we all have futures, as well. We all have futures that we need to keep in mind, that we need to guard, just as we guard our hearts. What respect for the holy covenant of marriage do we hold if we maintain an “I can do that, my future spouse will forgive me for it or God will give me someone who isn’t bothered by it,” outlook? Even more importantly, what respect do we have for Christ if we maintain that attitude towards the holy covenant of faith in the Son of God? I think we pretty clearly covered that earlier in this post, didn’t we?

This is what God showed me today. This is what brought me to tears and indecipherable babble multiple times throughout the day. The enemy has strongholds in each of us, and the stronghold he holds in this young person is clearly one of deception as to the importance of the future, the covenants involved, the eternal consequences of every action, and you know what? It will be torn down. It will be abolished. It will be sanctified by holy fire in the name of Jesus Christ. There will be restoration. There will be healing. There will be Truth. Truth the person, the man, the god, the savior, the messiah. Truth will prevail as He always does and always will.

Hey, whaddya know? I’m crying again. It’s a different cry this time. It’s the cry of victory. A victory not yet felt, but one surely coming. Amen.