The Willem

Howdy Y’all

// August 29th, 2010 // No Comments » // Life, Reflection

Yep, I’m in Texas now. I spent the last month hopping back and forth on different sides of Washington state, seeing friends and family, trying to get as many odd jobs as I could find, and enjoying the beauty and majesty of God’s second most glorious creation: Washington. It truly is one of the most beautiful places I will ever be, and I’m thankful to have grown up there.

My biggest struggles while in Washington were that I feel like I don’t have a home anymore (Yakima isn’t home, which I discovered my first week back, and Seattle isn’t home, which I’ve always known) and feeling useless. I’m so used to having predefined purpose for every day, and all too frequently I place purpose only on my interactions with other people. I often forget that time spent alone can be purposeful. When I got to Mexico, I knew that and cherished my alone time, both the time spent seeking God and the time spent simply being. Somewhere along the way, I kind of lost that. It became incredibly apparent while back in Washington.

Those of you who know my history with vehicles will be not at all surprised to learn that the jeep I was given back (yep, the one that was stolen twice) caught on fire while I was driving to ultimate frisbee one Monday night. I put out the fire, but somehow managed to lose the key while doing so. This is my life, and I love it. It’s now sitting at my buddy’s house, who still technically owns it. He’ll figure out if it’s salvageable and sellable or if we’re going to have to let it go for 350-500 to someone who wants to put in the time. I took the stance that it’s still a gift from God to have anything coming in for income for a car (all the money I make from the jeep will be put towards buying a car in Texas so I can get to and from work), so I was going to be happy and content with whatever form that gift comes in.

I had a couple of farewell dinners in Washington. If you couldn’t make it, thanks anyway and I wish you the best. Those of you who did: thank you for coming. It meant so much to have those final moments spent with great people and great conversations and food.

Getting here to Texas has been quite the encounter so far. I think I have more culture shock (or culture stress, as Joel Watson explains it more accurately) coming here than I did arriving in Mexico. Last night it was proposed that I expected everyone to be just like me, since we’re all Americans. I, however, believe that I was simply used to Mexicans from living in Yakima, so being in their country wasn’t drastically different; whereas the only Texans I’ve ever been around have either been distant from me or living in the same house with me in Mexico, so they had some other influences going. It’s probably a mix of both. Either way, yesterday was something I wasn’t quite prepared for.

I had a moment yesterday evening in my dorm room that sums up everything I need to fight. I have this room with two roommates; it’s a cold, lifeless room and it already smells like football (I’m living with two football players). I’d been talking with them on Facebook for the last few months: getting to know one another and looking forward to living together. However, they messaged me on Friday asking if I would agree to switch rooms with another football player so they could all live together. I hadn’t even gotten there and I was being alienated. Combine that with knowing only Katlyn and Megan here, then take them away because they were taking sorely-needed naps, and add in the heartless room with my sparse decorations (aka my clothes and my computer…that’s all I have) and you had one lonely guy. I started feeling trapped, panicky, desperate for human interaction and yet not willing to initiate that interaction (that’s a whole different blog for a whole different day).

I really started feeling very anxious and scared, thinking maybe I made the wrong decision and I shouldn’t be here and that I would never belong here. I had to stop, collect myself, put on some music, and lay down for a moment to pray. I spent about 15 minutes going over how I got here, praying intermittently like it was just a conversation with God, and by the end I realized that I was being attacked, which means I’m exactly where I need to be.

I’m exactly where I need to be. I suppose that means that for now, I’m home.

Quit Whining and Start Worshiping

// August 1st, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Perspectives, Reflection

Firstly, yes. That is one of the two acceptable spellings of ‘worshiping.’

I’ve been bitter over the last week. No, it extends longer than that. I’ve been bitter at my home church the entire time I’ve been away. Over what, you ask? Well, over anything that I could find wrong with them, of course. I’ve been bitter over the lack of financial support, while they renovated the entire worship center. I’ve been bitter over my pastor insinuating that I was fat while I was on the screen in front of the whole church. I’ve been bitter about the lack of mention or reception of any kind upon my return. I’ve been bitter about everything and everyone.

And you know what? I’m now bitter that nobody’s had the cojones to call me out on it. On all of it. I let every single one of those things slip or show in some way, and not one person has told me to man up about it. Not a single person has looked me in the eye and told me to get over it. Well, there was one. Tonight, I experienced love via a spiritual 2×4, thanks to a pastor and friend picking me up and taking me to a worship concert that almost nobody showed up at. The only important guest showed up though, and He knocked some sense into me while He was there. The Holy Spirit absolutely walloped me tonight. Straight messed me up.

I could not be more thankful for this amazing night. I’m starting to see lessons in each and every situation where I’d held my church responsible for some slight or apparent misdeed. Instead, they were simply following their own direction from the Holy Spirit, as well. I had simply misunderstood each situation by taking the wrong perspective: forgetting for whom and why I was sent.

Let’s go through each case.

Lack of financial support: This helped me to learn how to build my own fundraising base, how to rely on God to provide, and how to “work like it depends on me, while praying like it depends on God.” Furthermore, the caveat of “while they spent the money on x,” will never hold up, so long as any part of what they’re spending it on is reaching people for the Kingdom of God. Without their financial support, I was still able to do what I needed to do. Without them spending it on what they spent it on instead, that wouldn’t have happened and the people it impacted wouldn’t have had the experiences they did.

Pastor Larry calling me a fatty: Even though I had actually already lost some weight, this event helped to inspire me to eat better and start exercising. I’ve lost almost 15 pounds since this incident, and everyone here has remarked upon it, meaning it’s actually a noticeable difference. Furthermore, there is no possible way Pastor Larry could have known what a nerve he was touching, and I’m 100% certain he meant no harm by it. If he ever reads this, I want him to know I entirely have forgiven him. If he doesn’t read this, nobody needs to tell him he hurt my feelings.

Not being welcomed home: This one’s a bit tricky. I’m going to try to draw a conclusion that may be beyond my wits, but I think I’m drawing it correctly. God is using this feeling of unwelcome to illustrate to me that this isn’t “home” anymore. I cannot consider Yakima my home from this point, because it simply isn’t feasible. Most of the friends I’ve made in Yakima are either gone already, soon leaving, or not actually my peers (ie people who I shouldn’t really expect to continue doing life with any longer). Now, there are some who don’t fall into those categories necessarily, but those are the ones I’m sure will use technological advances to maintain relationships, for the most part. However, as long as I cling to where I’ve been, I’ll never fully be where I need to go. Texas and SAGU are supposed to become home. For that to happen, Yakima can’t continue to be home. It’s time to move to the next phase of my life, and that includes leaving this place…possibly forever.

No Call-out: Who exactly was supposed to call me out? I never opened myself up to anyone about this, except for my one accountability person in Mexico, and he simply doesn’t operate that way. He talked me through it in a way to show me that I needed to deal with this bitterness, but he trusts the Holy Spirit to do the work of conviction. I hadn’t stayed close enough with anyone in Yakima for them to do the job. No. This was a moment it had to be that conviction from within. And it came.

So where’d the moment of conviction come from? I went to a worship concert tonight that I was mostly avoiding, due to the bitterness and not wanting to see anyone. However, like a typical hypocrite, I wanted to convey the illusion that I had simply forgotten to arrange a ride, so I was out of luck. At 7:15 I sent out a tweet, that went to facebook of course, saying “Concert starts in 15 minutes and I just realized it. Guess i’m staying in tonight!” Thankfully, Pastor Gary doesn’t put up with that mess. He immediately offered a ride. I had a moment where I almost refused, and then I buckled, realizing that if my pastor was going to leave the concert to come get me, I needed to be there.

During the set, I started out feeling like the whole thing was corporate, disconnected, and dispassionate. Then i realized that it was me. Not the church. Not the band. Not the audience of worshipers. Not the new sound setup. Me. I was disconnected. I was disassociated. I was dispassionate. I had let something come between me and Jesus. As the songs transitioned to talk of the amazing love He has for us, I started praying, rather than simply singing the words without meaning them. Something started to break down.

Finally, during the second to last song (Everything, by Hillsong) I had that moment. I was holding on to so much that I needed to let go of; so much that was coming between me and my purpose. I was whining so much, I couldn’t worship. I had lost sight of my only reason for going on the mission field in the first place: Jesus’ awesome love.

Let’s not forget the love of Christ. He came for us, lived a sinless life in the face of temptation for us, walked into unspeakable torture and embarrassing execution for us, and then rose to give us hope. He is the ultimate expression of hope, triumph, and love. Let’s not get caught up in all the hurts and the slights of this life, lest we forget the real point of life: to love. That love is the expression of our worship. Quit whining. Get back to worshiping.

I’m Surrounded by Nobody

// March 5th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Life, Prayer, Reflection

I’ve tried to sit down and write several times since my last post. Shoot, I even titled one attempt “Inspirational Vacancy,” which I just discovered the draft for. Ironically, it was a blank page. I almost posted it just for giggles. Anyway, here’s the obligatory “I’m sorry it’s been forever since I posted” announcement that seems to come at the beginning of every post I write (thanks Megan Timmerman for pointing out the consistency).

I think the lack of writing stems from what’s been going on in my life lately (more poignantly: what hasn’t been going on). I went through about a month of spiritual dryness that left me without inspiration, without passion, and without direction. I had nothing flowing through me, and it mostly stemmed from the fact that God had been trying to tell me something for about a month before that, repeatedly, and I’d been calling His voice that of the enemy, blocking it out and actively praying against it (trust me, the irony is not lost on me). Eventually, I guess God decided that since I wasn’t listening (and therefore, I wasn’t obeying), He would cease speaking to and through me. My prayer life was dead. My Bible reading diminished. My relationships around the house were all stressed. My health suffered. Eventually, I got a ton of people to start praying over me and something amazing happened. The thing God had been telling me to do was the first thing I heard in my head. I broke down, sobbing, recognized it as the voice of God, and immediately repented and obeyed. That was the easy part.

That obedience brought about a huge change in my personal life and lead to an outpouring of all that I’d been missing spiritually, which lead to a completely different outlook on our ministries, my time in Mexico, and all the people in my life (two thirds of that is still going strong). That obedience further led to more commands and understanding of things I was doing wrong, which led to more obedience and more outpouring. Now that I’ve confused anyone reading this, I can honestly say that my heart hurts. The problem with obeying, learning, worshiping, etc. for me is that I want everyone else to experience what I’m experiencing, and I try to do the Holy Spirit’s work for Him instead of being faithful and trusting.

Now, I look back on the past few days of judging and being frustrated, and I wonder why I wonder why I feel alienated and alone. How could I not expect that to happen? Today, I spent most of the day fuming over relationships in the house and pitying myself, only to go off to worship practice at my Mexican church (by the way, I joined the worship team, only I’m currently not really doing anything except running the sound board for practice) and sit at the sound board in the back, not talking to anyone for three and a half hours except occasionally being yelled at to change something (which I mostly didn’t understand anyway). Occasionally, I heard people asking the worship leader what my name was so they could yell at me too. How could I expect to feel fellowship when i sit around complaining and grumbling, then go someplace where I’m further isolated by the language barrier and don’t attempt to talk to anyone?

I currently have no direction. I’ve been sticking to my guns about being called to be a college pastor and then a senior pastor, but I’m realizing more and more that those are just things I felt would fit very well. The only true callings I’ve ever genuinely heard or felt were to go do missions in Holland and that being second in command in a church is in my future. I have no idea what I’m doing right now, but I feel more and more like God has something in store for me that I’m not expecting. Normally, that excites me. Right now, it drives me crazy.

I’m also feeling useless right now. Most of my strengths lie in discipleship, counseling, speaking, and singing. Guess what four things I don’t get to do here? You’d expect some of that from the language barrier, but I feel it in the house more and more. For the most part, people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I see it in meetings, in daily life, in ministries, everywhere. When I pipe up, someone else either talks over me or people just roll their eyes. Usually, I have one person who consistently listens to me, but the ratio is just overwhelming. (Note: this is about students. I feel like most of the time our leaders do a very good job of listening to everyone).

I suppose that’s enough complaining for one night.

On the bright side, our ministries are flourishing, my prayer life is improved beyond belief, and my passion for the people of Mexico is greater than it has ever been. I want so badly to see people all across the world accept the hope and promise that comes with a relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to be a part of that, and that’s something I’ve never really had this same passion for. I guess I’m finally understanding the way God feels on this level.

If anyone reading this could pray for direction, wisdom, and peace in my life, I would greatly appreciate it. If you could pray for unity in our house and for Jesus to be shown through our actions, words, and our hearts, I think I’d appreciate that even more. Finances are also extremely low for me, but that’s normal at this point.