The Willem

Howdy Y’all

// August 29th, 2010 // No Comments » // Life, Reflection

Yep, I’m in Texas now. I spent the last month hopping back and forth on different sides of Washington state, seeing friends and family, trying to get as many odd jobs as I could find, and enjoying the beauty and majesty of God’s second most glorious creation: Washington. It truly is one of the most beautiful places I will ever be, and I’m thankful to have grown up there.

My biggest struggles while in Washington were that I feel like I don’t have a home anymore (Yakima isn’t home, which I discovered my first week back, and Seattle isn’t home, which I’ve always known) and feeling useless. I’m so used to having predefined purpose for every day, and all too frequently I place purpose only on my interactions with other people. I often forget that time spent alone can be purposeful. When I got to Mexico, I knew that and cherished my alone time, both the time spent seeking God and the time spent simply being. Somewhere along the way, I kind of lost that. It became incredibly apparent while back in Washington.

Those of you who know my history with vehicles will be not at all surprised to learn that the jeep I was given back (yep, the one that was stolen twice) caught on fire while I was driving to ultimate frisbee one Monday night. I put out the fire, but somehow managed to lose the key while doing so. This is my life, and I love it. It’s now sitting at my buddy’s house, who still technically owns it. He’ll figure out if it’s salvageable and sellable or if we’re going to have to let it go for 350-500 to someone who wants to put in the time. I took the stance that it’s still a gift from God to have anything coming in for income for a car (all the money I make from the jeep will be put towards buying a car in Texas so I can get to and from work), so I was going to be happy and content with whatever form that gift comes in.

I had a couple of farewell dinners in Washington. If you couldn’t make it, thanks anyway and I wish you the best. Those of you who did: thank you for coming. It meant so much to have those final moments spent with great people and great conversations and food.

Getting here to Texas has been quite the encounter so far. I think I have more culture shock (or culture stress, as Joel Watson explains it more accurately) coming here than I did arriving in Mexico. Last night it was proposed that I expected everyone to be just like me, since we’re all Americans. I, however, believe that I was simply used to Mexicans from living in Yakima, so being in their country wasn’t drastically different; whereas the only Texans I’ve ever been around have either been distant from me or living in the same house with me in Mexico, so they had some other influences going. It’s probably a mix of both. Either way, yesterday was something I wasn’t quite prepared for.

I had a moment yesterday evening in my dorm room that sums up everything I need to fight. I have this room with two roommates; it’s a cold, lifeless room and it already smells like football (I’m living with two football players). I’d been talking with them on Facebook for the last few months: getting to know one another and looking forward to living together. However, they messaged me on Friday asking if I would agree to switch rooms with another football player so they could all live together. I hadn’t even gotten there and I was being alienated. Combine that with knowing only Katlyn and Megan here, then take them away because they were taking sorely-needed naps, and add in the heartless room with my sparse decorations (aka my clothes and my computer…that’s all I have) and you had one lonely guy. I started feeling trapped, panicky, desperate for human interaction and yet not willing to initiate that interaction (that’s a whole different blog for a whole different day).

I really started feeling very anxious and scared, thinking maybe I made the wrong decision and I shouldn’t be here and that I would never belong here. I had to stop, collect myself, put on some music, and lay down for a moment to pray. I spent about 15 minutes going over how I got here, praying intermittently like it was just a conversation with God, and by the end I realized that I was being attacked, which means I’m exactly where I need to be.

I’m exactly where I need to be. I suppose that means that for now, I’m home.

Quit Whining and Start Worshiping

// August 1st, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Perspectives, Reflection

Firstly, yes. That is one of the two acceptable spellings of ‘worshiping.’

I’ve been bitter over the last week. No, it extends longer than that. I’ve been bitter at my home church the entire time I’ve been away. Over what, you ask? Well, over anything that I could find wrong with them, of course. I’ve been bitter over the lack of financial support, while they renovated the entire worship center. I’ve been bitter over my pastor insinuating that I was fat while I was on the screen in front of the whole church. I’ve been bitter about the lack of mention or reception of any kind upon my return. I’ve been bitter about everything and everyone.

And you know what? I’m now bitter that nobody’s had the cojones to call me out on it. On all of it. I let every single one of those things slip or show in some way, and not one person has told me to man up about it. Not a single person has looked me in the eye and told me to get over it. Well, there was one. Tonight, I experienced love via a spiritual 2×4, thanks to a pastor and friend picking me up and taking me to a worship concert that almost nobody showed up at. The only important guest showed up though, and He knocked some sense into me while He was there. The Holy Spirit absolutely walloped me tonight. Straight messed me up.

I could not be more thankful for this amazing night. I’m starting to see lessons in each and every situation where I’d held my church responsible for some slight or apparent misdeed. Instead, they were simply following their own direction from the Holy Spirit, as well. I had simply misunderstood each situation by taking the wrong perspective: forgetting for whom and why I was sent.

Let’s go through each case.

Lack of financial support: This helped me to learn how to build my own fundraising base, how to rely on God to provide, and how to “work like it depends on me, while praying like it depends on God.” Furthermore, the caveat of “while they spent the money on x,” will never hold up, so long as any part of what they’re spending it on is reaching people for the Kingdom of God. Without their financial support, I was still able to do what I needed to do. Without them spending it on what they spent it on instead, that wouldn’t have happened and the people it impacted wouldn’t have had the experiences they did.

Pastor Larry calling me a fatty: Even though I had actually already lost some weight, this event helped to inspire me to eat better and start exercising. I’ve lost almost 15 pounds since this incident, and everyone here has remarked upon it, meaning it’s actually a noticeable difference. Furthermore, there is no possible way Pastor Larry could have known what a nerve he was touching, and I’m 100% certain he meant no harm by it. If he ever reads this, I want him to know I entirely have forgiven him. If he doesn’t read this, nobody needs to tell him he hurt my feelings.

Not being welcomed home: This one’s a bit tricky. I’m going to try to draw a conclusion that may be beyond my wits, but I think I’m drawing it correctly. God is using this feeling of unwelcome to illustrate to me that this isn’t “home” anymore. I cannot consider Yakima my home from this point, because it simply isn’t feasible. Most of the friends I’ve made in Yakima are either gone already, soon leaving, or not actually my peers (ie people who I shouldn’t really expect to continue doing life with any longer). Now, there are some who don’t fall into those categories necessarily, but those are the ones I’m sure will use technological advances to maintain relationships, for the most part. However, as long as I cling to where I’ve been, I’ll never fully be where I need to go. Texas and SAGU are supposed to become home. For that to happen, Yakima can’t continue to be home. It’s time to move to the next phase of my life, and that includes leaving this place…possibly forever.

No Call-out: Who exactly was supposed to call me out? I never opened myself up to anyone about this, except for my one accountability person in Mexico, and he simply doesn’t operate that way. He talked me through it in a way to show me that I needed to deal with this bitterness, but he trusts the Holy Spirit to do the work of conviction. I hadn’t stayed close enough with anyone in Yakima for them to do the job. No. This was a moment it had to be that conviction from within. And it came.

So where’d the moment of conviction come from? I went to a worship concert tonight that I was mostly avoiding, due to the bitterness and not wanting to see anyone. However, like a typical hypocrite, I wanted to convey the illusion that I had simply forgotten to arrange a ride, so I was out of luck. At 7:15 I sent out a tweet, that went to facebook of course, saying “Concert starts in 15 minutes and I just realized it. Guess i’m staying in tonight!” Thankfully, Pastor Gary doesn’t put up with that mess. He immediately offered a ride. I had a moment where I almost refused, and then I buckled, realizing that if my pastor was going to leave the concert to come get me, I needed to be there.

During the set, I started out feeling like the whole thing was corporate, disconnected, and dispassionate. Then i realized that it was me. Not the church. Not the band. Not the audience of worshipers. Not the new sound setup. Me. I was disconnected. I was disassociated. I was dispassionate. I had let something come between me and Jesus. As the songs transitioned to talk of the amazing love He has for us, I started praying, rather than simply singing the words without meaning them. Something started to break down.

Finally, during the second to last song (Everything, by Hillsong) I had that moment. I was holding on to so much that I needed to let go of; so much that was coming between me and my purpose. I was whining so much, I couldn’t worship. I had lost sight of my only reason for going on the mission field in the first place: Jesus’ awesome love.

Let’s not forget the love of Christ. He came for us, lived a sinless life in the face of temptation for us, walked into unspeakable torture and embarrassing execution for us, and then rose to give us hope. He is the ultimate expression of hope, triumph, and love. Let’s not get caught up in all the hurts and the slights of this life, lest we forget the real point of life: to love. That love is the expression of our worship. Quit whining. Get back to worshiping.

Mini-Updates

// June 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // I just started writing and..., Life

(Insert apology for lack of posts here)

The woman I wrote about a couple posts back just had her seventh child, who came about a month premature but seems to be doing alright.

Our college ministries have ended (as their schoolyear has ended) and went very well, as I was involved on the CUAAD campus and we saw growth in breadth and depth of relationships.

My school year has ended on a good note. I got a 3.75 gpa for this semester, but that may later change to a 4.0.

I have direction: I’m going to be in Texas next year on the SAGU campus getting my degree in Theological Studies with minors in Spanish and Missions. God has blessed me with vision to someday open up my own Engage location. I’m not sure how far off that is, but my goal is to be back on the mission field long-term by the time I’m 30. What comes in between, I do not know…and that’s okay.

Since the last writing, I have had three major firsts. My first time leading worship was Easter Sunday, my first time telling the bible story for our children’s ministry (in spanish, of course) was this past Saturday, and my first time preaching at a service was last night. All of those went better than I could have expected, although I learned things to improve on from each one (which is exactly what I wanted).

Finances are horrible. I’m about $6,000 behind where I should be for my year here, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for school next year (I’m already taking out full loans, but without a car in Texas I am very limited in what jobs I can apply for, so I’m hoping to find some work while I’m home for August, be it house-sitting, digging ditches, filing paperwork, whatever it takes to be able to buy a car so I can work my way through school at a good job), and I’m having great difficulty finding scholarships for someone like myself.

My spanish is tremendously improved. I can hold pretty solid conversations with most people and I feel capable of doing most spanish work…last week I translated a message successfully in front of over 600 people.

I fought bulls.

I went paintballing (sorry Adrian).

A while back, I posted about continuing to pray for the campus we took spanish classes at, and to have an impact there. We have. We just sent home a very good friend we made there through soccer and classes. He committed his life to Christ while he was here, and he basically lived with us for the last month. We’re seeing other impacts we’ve made as well. It’s exciting.

Stay tuned for more updates throughout the next few months. I expect to be able to post something substantial every couple weeks, and I’ll try to toss in a few photos and anecdotes. Thanks for reading, caring, praying, and giving. Be blessed.